It seems as of late that the posts have slowed, the year has taken a toll, and life has really thrown my family and my heart a few curve balls. As I reflect on this - often really- I think of the many adventures this year has brought. In the course of the past four months my youngest son graduated high school, my oldest son got married and will leave for the US Navy in a matter of days, my oldest daughter was/is faced with some scary health news while she continues to plan her wedding, and my youngest daughter moved in with her father (against my will and heart). To top it off, I turned forty in this time and was faced with the reality that life- the life I have known for over 22 years (yes, since I was 18 years old) was about to change drastically.
Here I sit- like I have many times in the past few months and days, and I ponder the reality of all changes. I wonder what lessons I have learned and taught, what differences I have made or not, and mostly- what's next. While I know that it is many years until the illusive retirement from teaching, I cannot help but think about the possibilities. Each night, I return to this big empty house, with these big empty bedrooms, and my big empty table that used to hold five hungry teens and their plethora of friends- and I am faced again with this reality. It's all different now.
SO- what is next? Do I continue teaching another twenty years and retire quietly? Do I chase a dream or open a coffee shop in a quiet village in Costa Rica? What is it? The clock ticks, the hands turn, and here I sit- immobile to the reality before me. How can I learn to cook for two or worse yet one? How can do laundry only once a week? How can I look back and know- know what? Did they learn? Did they grow? Do they need me? Would they tell me if they did? What is this new role, and how can I find it? I don't know. Is it merely empty nest syndrome, or is it a longing to be what responsibility has for so long kept from me? I wonder- am I brave enough or crazy enough to embark on a new adventure? Or- will I sit and miss them all so much that I wallow in self-pity and resentment that Time stole my children, my role, everything I lived for to this point? Maybe I can learn to forgive Time. Maybe I will forgive myself for not seeing this sooner. Maybe time will forgive me for not recognizing he was approaching. I suppose that's what I am left with now- time- forgiveness-forgiveness- time... Maybe.
