Successions of Somethings ~ Chapter Sixteen

Behold, he travaileth with iniquity, and hath conceived mischief, and brought forth falsehood.

Psalm 7:14

Standing in front of the sink trying to refrain from crying, Pearl’s thoughts sank to a day only two months earlier. A group of students from the school where Pearl’s children attended and where Pearl taught were performing at a state convention for safe and drug free youth. Pearl took pride in the work of her students and children and was especially anxious about this year’s performance because two of her own kids were participating. They worked hard all year and the time had come to put on a great show for the community. Of course, her parents would not miss this show either as they were the model grandparents. They arrived with Maddie who had come to watch her younger cousins dance, sing, and play on stage.

The show began and Pearl looked over at Maddie and smiled. Maddie turned and said, “I sure wish my parents would have done stuff like this with me when I was in school.”

“Well, now you can enjoy it with the other kids,” Pearl answered; trying not to give in to what she really wanted to say about Maddie’s parents. She wanted to say, “Well, if they could for one minute pull their heads out of that insanity of theirs…” but she refrained and encouraged Maddie to have a good time. Maddie sat back and watched and enjoyed the show, but Pearl noticed something odd about her behavior. She nudged her mom and asked if Maddie was all right.

“Her father has been sending really strange text messages to her all day. Some of them have been downright hateful and others just plain crazy. She is pretty upset, and your father is beside himself.”

After the show, the students begged to go out and eat, and invited Pearl’s parents and Maddie to join them. Pearl of course conceded, and they all piled into the bus and headed for Applebee’s. Maddie and her grandparents followed behind the bus. When they arrived at the restaurant, the students, Maddie, Pearl, and her parents walked in and requested seating for twelve. The hostess put a few small tables together to accommodate the request and seated the large party.

As the noise level grew, Maddie’s face turned from complete enjoyment to almost a panic stricken terror. She reached down and looked at the screen of her cell phone and rolled her eyes. She shut the phone and tried to re-enter the conversation and the fun, but again, her phone notified her of another incoming message. She reached down again, this time nudging her grandmother and saying, “I can’t believe that jerk.”

Her grandmother took the phone and put her glasses on in order to read the messages. She looked at the phone, and her face too changed. She had a look of disdain as she handed the phone to her husband with an outstretched arm and said, “Here: Read this.”

He took the phone from her while Pearl entertained stories at the other end of the table in order to keep the students from noticing what was happening. A moment later, Peal’s father closed the phone and stood with a tear in his eye; then walked outside and stood in the parking lot. “Where’d your dad go Ms. Mackinac?” a student asked quickly.

“Oh, he gets hot really easily, and he thought it was a bit stuffy in here. He’ll be back in a minute. Don’t worry.”

Their waitress came to take their orders. They quickly ordered and gave the waitress a hard time. Then one of the students started to tell about an adventure she had on her family’s vacation last summer. While all of the students were enthralled with the story, Pearl’s curiosity exploded. What on earth had her brother sent that sent her father out of the restaurant with tears? Was her father angry or hurt? Pearl tapped Maddie under the table and asked to see the message. Maddie slowly handed the phone to Pearl and asked, “Are you sure you want to see this? It’s bad Pearl, really.”

Pearl took the phone and held it slightly under the table then read, “Your Aunt Pearl is keeping secrets from you. You all think she is so good and wonderful, but she’s a liar and a whore, and you are just like her.” Pearl closed the phone and dropped her head. She put her hand over her heart and took a deep breath, then looked at Maddie and said, “He will be sorry for that some day, but until then what on earth can we do?” Just then Pearl’s father walked back into the restaurant, and Pearl stood to excuse herself to the restroom. As she passed her father’s chair, she patted him on the back and said, “Let it go Dad. I love you, and he is a sick sick man.”

His big green eyes fell and he stared into his tea glass shaking his head. Pearl’s oldest son had been watching what was going on between Pearl and her family members, and he suddenly burst out with “Okay, what’s the difference between a typewriter and a penguin? Anyone, anyone…” The students all looked puzzled and Maddie and Pearl and Pearl’s parents all started laughing. The students all tried to guess while Drew kept them entertained. His brother picked up on it right away and joined him in the nonsense joke. Every time someone made a connection, Drew and Tom made some strange look and said, “No, now it’s not that difficult, just think.”

Pearl squeezed Drew’s hand under the table as if to say thank you. Then looked at Tom and winked. Their food arrived and they all ate quickly then loaded the bus, the car, and left. As the bus bumped and chugged to the school, Pearl sat in wonder and hurt. How could he say that? Poor mom and dad. All they ever did was love their kids, and all Sonny has ever done is violate and defile what love is. God, please be with my father right now. Please put your arms around him and tell him that I love him and reassure that those words are horrid lies and from a sick minded man. Please help the readers or hearers of Sonny’s illness to recognize that those words and thoughts are from an evil like no other. It wasn’t long before the bus pulled into the school parking lot, and Pearl and all of the students exited the bus and parted ways.

Still standing at Gwenn’s kitchen sink, she cried softly and remembered what she thought was the catalyst of the events that brought her to this house the previous night. She knew it was time to let the truth be known. She knew it was going to hurt. But more than anything, she knew she did the right thing. She took a deep breath and heard a voice from the other room. Pearl, Gwenn, Maddie where are you? We’re here. Hello…” Pearl’s mother entered the kitchen, quickly approached her, and put her arms around her. Her father walked up and joined the circle.

They embraced for a few moments before Pearl stepped back and said, “Maddie and Joy are in the back yard. Maddie has been waiting for you guys. You had better go see her.” They nodded and walked to the door. As they exited, Pearl’s father turned and said, “You okay?”

“I’m okay dad. I guess. It’s just all so surreal really. Go on though. Maddie needs her Papa.” She half smiled then added, “I love you dad.”

“He put his head down and nodded as if to agree, “I love you too.”

As Pearl’s parents passed through the doorway and into the back yard, the telephone rang.

Successions of Somethings ~ Chapter Fifteen

Shall not God search this out? For He knoweth the secrets of the heart.

Psalms 44:21

“Okay, so now we are alone and I have been trying to get the nerve to talk to you all day. For some reason, it seems easier to talk when Pearl is here. Maybe it’s because I know that we all understand how weird our lives have been, and Pearl seems to always have a grip on the reality of the dysfunction and pushes through. We all know the embarrassment and the hurt, the guilt and the shame. We are like kindred spirits in a way keeping the secrets and holding each other through the hurt. But, what I want to say is that, no matter what you are feeling right now; it’s okay. If you are sad, or mad at me, or whatever; it’s time we start living and being close like we were so many years ago; before everything got so crazy.

We are might be all we have now, and we may have to relearn us, and we can. Maddie, things have been crazy most of your life, and I owe you an apology. Years ago, when your father and I split up, you and I were happy. I gave that up and got back together with him and it all started again. I am sorry, but I honestly thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought marriage was marriage until death- at all cost. I know this is odd coming from me today, but I really don’t know what Pearl is going to say in there, and I want you to know that no matter what, I am sorry this happened. I am sorry that once again you have to deal with hurt and despair. But, more importantly, I am sorry you missed a normal life.

Before your dad and I got married, your aunt Pearl and I were friends and roommates. We would lie in bed some nights and talk across the room and laugh. It was like having my very own little sister. The day before the wedding she sat down on my bed and started crying. I was so touched, because I thought she was sad that I was going. I put my arms around her and said, “You are going to officially be my little sister. How cool is that?” She sobbed at that point and pulled away only holding my hands.

Then she absolutely dumbfounded me with what she said next. “Gwenn, you don’t know him. He is different after marriage, when he has you. Please don’t do it. I can’t explain how very different he is, but it will come out of nowhere for no reason, and you will never be the same. Please Gwenn, don’t do it.”

“Maddie, I looked straight at her and pulled my hands away. I didn’t know what to say and knew that she was so sincere. She urged me not to say anything to Sonny about what she had said. I agreed, but truly thought she was just a scared girl whose life was about to change a little, so I thought very little about it. Well, I thought little about it until my wedding night. See, we went to a local hotel, because your dad was playing in a church league basketball tournament the next day, and he didn’t want to leave for our honeymoon until after the tournament. I thought that was fine, but that night- he changed, and I saw why your aunt was so very scared for me. He got mad at nothing really. I didn’t pack my bag the way he thought I should, and he pinched my arm. Then I didn’t hurry to get ready that night… I can’t really remember all that made him so angry that night, but I do know that I hurt so badly the next day.

When your dad and I got to the gym, your aunt was there with the rest of the family. She looked at me, and when my eyes met her eyes, I looked away. She knew, and I knew she knew. She later sat next to me and took my hand. We never spoke about it, but I swear it was almost as if she saw everything he did. It was like she had a window into my mind and heart, because every time I wanted to cry, she squeezed my hand or touched my arm and looked at me.

Maddie, I have watched Pearl do this with you. I’ve seen the way she reads what’s going on, and I have been ashamed so many times that someone else knows about our secret shame. But, I also know that there is something secret about her, something she has wanted so many times to share with us and help us, but at the same time I think she wants to help herself. She knows and feels too much to not have secrets too. I just need you to know, that we are not the only ones who have been hurt all of these years. I don’t know what is going to happen in there in a little while, but Maddie, I am sorry for not being who I should have been to you all these years. I hope someday you can forgive me.”

Maddie looked at her mother, and tears fell softly as she nodded her head and looked past her into the kitchen window. There standing with her back to them was Pearl. She looked to be slumped over and crying.

Successions of Somethings ~ Chapter Fourteen

… oh deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man.

Psalms 43:1b

She entered North Hills and pulled into the driveway where she saw two police vehicles, her sister-in-law’s car, Maddie’s bug, and another unfamiliar car. She sighed, a deep sigh, and again heard that voice, Are you sure you can do this. What if they don’t believe you? What if… Oh hush… I am so tired of the what if’s. She looked into the mirror and gave herself a boost of confidence and then reached for the door, slid out of the minivan, and took her first step toward releasing the truth.

Walking in trepidation, she started for the door. She nervously strolled up the monkey grass lined walkway and felt every muscle in her body begin to tense. Calm down Pearl. It’s time to be free. Let go and be free. Don’t hold back any longer it’s been over twenty years. The voice continued and finally she inhaled deeply and then heaved an exhausted sigh and rang the bell as she took a step in the door. She heard voices from the living area as she entered the house. She walked in and took a seat on the red sofa next to Maddie. Maddie looked up only briefly and put her head on Pearl’s shoulder. Gwen looked away from the window where she had watched Pearl walk from her car and said, “Glad you could make it. Do you want to talk to us?”

Two men entered from the kitchen and looked as though they were surprised. One of these men she recognized as Detective Conners. The other she had never seen. “Hello Mam,” Conners said.

“Uh, hi.” Pearl answered “I guess you drive really fast.”

“No, not really. We were right behind you until you stopped at Searcy.”

“We? You mean you and Detective Walters? Is she here too?

“She’s here. Allow me to introduce our colleague. This is Detective Plat.”

“Nice to meet you ma’am.” The younger of the two gentlemen said.

“Thank you. Odd circumstances, but thank you.”

“Aunt Pearl, are grandma and grandpa on their way yet?”

“I think so sweetie.”

“Again, is there anything you need to talk about Pearl?” Joy asked.

“Not just yet. I really want to wait until mom and dad get here. They need to hear this too. Please know that when I tell you all what I have to say, I only want to say it once. There is too much to comprehend and after I’ve spoken, I don’t want to talk about it again.”

The room grew still again and Pearl squeezed Maddie’s hand then stood to walk to the kitchen. She entered the kitchen and walked through the room to the back door where she exited to the back yard. She stood on the patio and looked at nothing. She stared and thought and again heard that still small voice trying to dissuade her from talking to everyone. A noise from behind her quickened her back to the actuality that it was indeed time to talk. The back door open and closed softly and Pearl turned to look at who was behind her. As she turned, she heard the voice of her niece ask, “Can you really believe it’s true? I can’t believe it, and I want so much to talk, but I don’t know who else to talk to but you. Please let me talk for a minute.”

Pearl reached for Maddie’s hand and led her to the bench beside the English flower garden. “Have a seat Maddie. You can tell me anything you need to tell me. I will listen. When have I not listened to you?”

“Never. That’s why I want to talk to you. You have always let me talk about anything I needed and never judged me. That’s why I can’t believe that you had anything to do with this either.”

“Maddie, talk to me.”

“Aunt Pearl. You know how long I have hurt about my dad. You know how much he hurt my mom and me. You know all of it, and you always listened… always. You always taught me how to love him in spite of all the crap that he did. The thing is Aunt Pearl… Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I am going to say this... Aunt Pearl, I don’t feel even a little bit bad. I mean, I am sad for my mom. I am hurt for what my dad hasn’t ever realized what he has, but I am not sad that he is might... I even feel…”

“… relieved?” Pearl interrupted.

“Yes, I feel relieved. I don’t want anyone else to know and…” Maddie threw her arms around Pearl and they sobbed together; both in sorrow for the lives they hid for so long and both in relief that part of their nightmare was released.

“I know sweetheart. It’s going to be all right. I promise. We are going to get through all of this, and it’s going to be all right. It’s okay to feel the way you do. My gosh girl, you deserve to have any feelings you want. No one can stop you from feeling anymore.” She squeezed tighter, and their sobs became a bit more intense.

“Aunt Pearl, tell me it isn’t true. Tell me you didn’t do it. I just need to know that you were not the one who did it.”

“Maddie look at me. Come on, look at me now.” They held the stare of each other’s tear pooled eyes, and Pearl spoke slowly and deliberately. “I didn’t hurt your dad. I promise you. I was not responsible for this, and when your grandparents get here, you will hear all that I know. Just understand that I did not do this to your dad. Do you understand me?”

Maddie nodded slowly and still didn’t break eye contact. “I understand, but it’s all just too confusing. It’s so surreal, but in a bad way.”

“It is. You’re right, but just trust me okay sweetie.”

“Okay, I will. I have always trusted you, and you haven’t steered me wrong yet.”

They heard the door behind them open and close and a weak voice of Joy saying, “You two okay? You need something to drink? Some coffee? Tea? Anything?

“No. We’re okay thank you. Are Mom and Dad here yet?” asked Pearl

“Not yet, but they just called and were almost at their exit, so it should be any minute now.”

Pearl stood and motioned for Joy to join them. The three stood close and hugged, then Pearl said, “Well girls, I need to use the lady’s room before I tell me story. You two comin’ in?”

Joy and Maddie stood still, then Joy answered, “No, I need to say something to Maddie, and I think I need to do it now while I have the nerve.”

“Okay then. I will see you two in the house later.” She leaned over and gave both another hug and then whispered softly, “I really love you guys. I hope you know that.”

She left the two in on the patio with tears still falling from each eye. She walked into the house and heard the front door open and a “Where are they? Where are they? Are they okay?”

Successions of Somethings ~ Chapter Thirteen

For innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of mine head: therefore my heart faileth me. Psalms 40:12

A car sped by laying on the horn and bringing Pearl to the realization that she was not focused on her driving. She was there, in the cubby hole underneath the built-ins. What’s the matter with you. You know better than this. Focus Pearl. You didn’t do anything. Go in and tell them all the truth. But, can you? Are you ready for all of them to know? You came down here last night ready to face him, but are you really ready to face them? Are you ready for the questions? The stares? The doubt? The… can you do it?

She put her blinker on as she approached her exit in North Little Rock. She drove down McCain Blvd. and passed the mall, Target, and was stopped at a traffic light when she looked to her right to see the sale sign in the window of Pier One; the similar store and window in her home town that enticed him to stop nearly twenty years earlier when she was preparing for her engagement party- her hope of escape.

Rick Dees in the morning, makes you rise and shine… the radio blared, and she was startled by the all too familiar voice of someone seemingly spying on her as she made her bed. “How about I take you shopping? I want to buy you something special for your engagement,” Sonny said.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to get me anything. I am sure that between the two churches and all our friends, we will be overwhelmed with kindness. Really, you don’t need to do anything,” she urged.

“Oh Pearl. Stop being like that,” her mom piped in as she put linens in the closet outside of Pearl’s room.

“Like what mom?”

“Like you. The martyr. Just let your brother do something nice for you.”

“Okay, sure. When do you want to go?” Pearl looked straight at Sonny with a disgusted look and a fake smile conceding to go shopping with her big brother.

“How about in just a while? You are not busy, and I have a free afternoon.”

“Uh… okay. Sure. Let me get ready.”

They drove to town and listened to the radio as she sat quietly waiting for the boom to drop. They pulled up to Pier One and he leaned over and touched her face as she reached quickly reached for the door handle. “Wait a second sis. I want to talk to you before we go in. You know, it’s time for the big brother talk before you take the plunge.” He slid his hand down over hers and pulled the door tight again. She sat, tense, and shaking. This was too familiar, too awkward, too hurtful.

“No Sonny. That’s okay. We have been through the pre-marital counseling classes at the church. I think I have had all of the advice I can take for a while. I really need time to see how it all works before I take in any more,” she said, anxiously and apprehensively hopeful that maybe he would let her be.

“Funny!” he insisted as he grabbed her leg. “Sit here and listen to me now.” His grip tightened and so did her fists, her heart, and the teeth clinched on her bottom lip. “You are not supposed to marry him. He is too young. You are too young. You are both too stupid. And, you are mine. You are spoiled and worthless to anyone else- and if you marry him, you will both be miserable, because he will find out that you were not his and what a disgusting little girl you were.”

Tears streamed uncontrollably down her face and her breath grew deeper and heavier, “Sonny, let go of me now. Let go of me and never touch me again- Ever!”

He looked at her as if he were trying to process what she was truly saying; as if her words were completely and totally incomprehensible. He took his hand from the door and put the car into reverse. He drove hastily, dangerously until they reached home. They were quiet, but she knew he was angry. She breathed deeply, but his breath was heard above hers. His faced was pinched and eyes were seedy. He jerked the car to a stop as they pulled to the parkway of the house before grabbing her tightly by the arm and saying, “The same rules hold true. You tell, I hurt you and your little brother, and we both know you don’t want that.”

She looked him in the eye and took a deep breath again then slowly said, “I’m not telling anyone. Why would I tell now?”

They walked in the house, and Pearl went straight to her room. “What did you get her Sonny?” their mom asked.

“Oh, she didn’t see anything she wanted and was feeling kind of sick at her stomach, so we came home,” Sonny replied.

“Well, this is a pretty exciting day. She is probably a little anxious.”

“Yeah- anxious,” Sonny said.

Pearl heard their conversation and shut her bedroom door to drown out the bull spewing from Sonny’s mouth in the other room. I want so much to tell her. I want to tell everyone- and at the same time, I can’t. I am so ashamed and afraid. If Donald finds out, he will leave. He won’t want to be with me when he finds out what I really am. Oh God, please. I can’t go through with all of this. My whole life has been a secret, and I don’t even know who I really am except that gross little girl. Please God tell me what to do.

She prepared herself for her party and entered the car with her mom. “You all right Pearl?” her mom asked. “You look kind of pale.”

“I don’t know. I think I will be fine after tonight. All of this stuff, the people I don’t know- Mom, did you ever have that gut feeling that you were not good enough for Dad? What if Donald feels like he is above me someday and wants out? I am just so scared he will get to know the real me and run as fast and as far as he possibly can.”

“Pearl listen; everyone feels that way before they get married. It’s perfectly natural. You know you are good enough for him. You are great. You’re beautiful, you’re talented, you’re a hard worker and compassionate. If anything, he’s not good enough for you.”

“Hmmm, I guess it is normal then huh. I am just nervous.” Pearl spoke the words, but she didn’t believe any of them. She shook it off as if she knew that the conversation could lead to more serious matters, matters she knew she was not ready to confront. They pulled up in front of the house where the host of the party waited with open arms, Donald beside her also standing with open arms, and next to him stood his parents- all oblivious- all waiting to welcome Pearl to a new life and a new love.

They all hugged and Donald took her hand as they entered the house to a warm greeting from their friends and extended families. They mingled and drank their iced tea and coffee, but Pearl took it all in as if she were on that train, riding around the living room on someone else’s ticket- hoping it would go on and on and on and on