For innumerable evils have compassed me about: mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up; they are more than the hairs of mine head: therefore my heart faileth me. Psalms 40:12
A car sped by laying on the horn and bringing Pearl to the realization that she was not focused on her driving. She was there, in the cubby hole underneath the built-ins. What’s the matter with you. You know better than this. Focus Pearl. You didn’t do anything. Go in and tell them all the truth. But, can you? Are you ready for all of them to know? You came down here last night ready to face him, but are you really ready to face them? Are you ready for the questions? The stares? The doubt? The… can you do it?
She put her blinker on as she approached her exit in North Little Rock. She drove down McCain Blvd. and passed the mall, Target, and was stopped at a traffic light when she looked to her right to see the sale sign in the window of Pier One; the similar store and window in her home town that enticed him to stop nearly twenty years earlier when she was preparing for her engagement party- her hope of escape.
Rick Dees in the morning, makes you rise and shine… the radio blared, and she was startled by the all too familiar voice of someone seemingly spying on her as she made her bed. “How about I take you shopping? I want to buy you something special for your engagement,” Sonny said.
“That’s okay. You don’t have to get me anything. I am sure that between the two churches and all our friends, we will be overwhelmed with kindness. Really, you don’t need to do anything,” she urged.
“Oh Pearl. Stop being like that,” her mom piped in as she put linens in the closet outside of Pearl’s room.
“Like what mom?”
“Like you. The martyr. Just let your brother do something nice for you.”
“Okay, sure. When do you want to go?” Pearl looked straight at Sonny with a disgusted look and a fake smile conceding to go shopping with her big brother.
“How about in just a while? You are not busy, and I have a free afternoon.”
“Uh… okay. Sure. Let me get ready.”
They drove to town and listened to the radio as she sat quietly waiting for the boom to drop. They pulled up to Pier One and he leaned over and touched her face as she reached quickly reached for the door handle. “Wait a second sis. I want to talk to you before we go in. You know, it’s time for the big brother talk before you take the plunge.” He slid his hand down over hers and pulled the door tight again. She sat, tense, and shaking. This was too familiar, too awkward, too hurtful.
“No Sonny. That’s okay. We have been through the pre-marital counseling classes at the church. I think I have had all of the advice I can take for a while. I really need time to see how it all works before I take in any more,” she said, anxiously and apprehensively hopeful that maybe he would let her be.
“Funny!” he insisted as he grabbed her leg. “Sit here and listen to me now.” His grip tightened and so did her fists, her heart, and the teeth clinched on her bottom lip. “You are not supposed to marry him. He is too young. You are too young. You are both too stupid. And, you are mine. You are spoiled and worthless to anyone else- and if you marry him, you will both be miserable, because he will find out that you were not his and what a disgusting little girl you were.”
Tears streamed uncontrollably down her face and her breath grew deeper and heavier, “Sonny, let go of me now. Let go of me and never touch me again- Ever!”
He looked at her as if he were trying to process what she was truly saying; as if her words were completely and totally incomprehensible. He took his hand from the door and put the car into reverse. He drove hastily, dangerously until they reached home. They were quiet, but she knew he was angry. She breathed deeply, but his breath was heard above hers. His faced was pinched and eyes were seedy. He jerked the car to a stop as they pulled to the parkway of the house before grabbing her tightly by the arm and saying, “The same rules hold true. You tell, I hurt you and your little brother, and we both know you don’t want that.”
She looked him in the eye and took a deep breath again then slowly said, “I’m not telling anyone. Why would I tell now?”
They walked in the house, and Pearl went straight to her room. “What did you get her Sonny?” their mom asked.
“Oh, she didn’t see anything she wanted and was feeling kind of sick at her stomach, so we came home,” Sonny replied.
“Well, this is a pretty exciting day. She is probably a little anxious.”
“Yeah- anxious,” Sonny said.
Pearl heard their conversation and shut her bedroom door to drown out the bull spewing from Sonny’s mouth in the other room. I want so much to tell her. I want to tell everyone- and at the same time, I can’t. I am so ashamed and afraid. If Donald finds out, he will leave. He won’t want to be with me when he finds out what I really am. Oh God, please. I can’t go through with all of this. My whole life has been a secret, and I don’t even know who I really am except that gross little girl. Please God tell me what to do.
She prepared herself for her party and entered the car with her mom. “You all right Pearl?” her mom asked. “You look kind of pale.”
“I don’t know. I think I will be fine after tonight. All of this stuff, the people I don’t know- Mom, did you ever have that gut feeling that you were not good enough for Dad? What if Donald feels like he is above me someday and wants out? I am just so scared he will get to know the real me and run as fast and as far as he possibly can.”
“Pearl listen; everyone feels that way before they get married. It’s perfectly natural. You know you are good enough for him. You are great. You’re beautiful, you’re talented, you’re a hard worker and compassionate. If anything, he’s not good enough for you.”
“Hmmm, I guess it is normal then huh. I am just nervous.” Pearl spoke the words, but she didn’t believe any of them. She shook it off as if she knew that the conversation could lead to more serious matters, matters she knew she was not ready to confront. They pulled up in front of the house where the host of the party waited with open arms, Donald beside her also standing with open arms, and next to him stood his parents- all oblivious- all waiting to welcome Pearl to a new life and a new love.
They all hugged and Donald took her hand as they entered the house to a warm greeting from their friends and extended families. They mingled and drank their iced tea and coffee, but Pearl took it all in as if she were on that train, riding around the living room on someone else’s ticket- hoping it would go on and on and on and on
No comments:
Post a Comment