Shall not God search this out? For He knoweth the secrets of the heart.
Psalms 44:21
“Okay, so now we are alone and I have been trying to get the nerve to talk to you all day. For some reason, it seems easier to talk when Pearl is here. Maybe it’s because I know that we all understand how weird our lives have been, and Pearl seems to always have a grip on the reality of the dysfunction and pushes through. We all know the embarrassment and the hurt, the guilt and the shame. We are like kindred spirits in a way keeping the secrets and holding each other through the hurt. But, what I want to say is that, no matter what you are feeling right now; it’s okay. If you are sad, or mad at me, or whatever; it’s time we start living and being close like we were so many years ago; before everything got so crazy.
We are might be all we have now, and we may have to relearn us, and we can. Maddie, things have been crazy most of your life, and I owe you an apology. Years ago, when your father and I split up, you and I were happy. I gave that up and got back together with him and it all started again. I am sorry, but I honestly thought that it was the right thing to do. I thought marriage was marriage until death- at all cost. I know this is odd coming from me today, but I really don’t know what Pearl is going to say in there, and I want you to know that no matter what, I am sorry this happened. I am sorry that once again you have to deal with hurt and despair. But, more importantly, I am sorry you missed a normal life.
Before your dad and I got married, your aunt Pearl and I were friends and roommates. We would lie in bed some nights and talk across the room and laugh. It was like having my very own little sister. The day before the wedding she sat down on my bed and started crying. I was so touched, because I thought she was sad that I was going. I put my arms around her and said, “You are going to officially be my little sister. How cool is that?” She sobbed at that point and pulled away only holding my hands.
Then she absolutely dumbfounded me with what she said next. “Gwenn, you don’t know him. He is different after marriage, when he has you. Please don’t do it. I can’t explain how very different he is, but it will come out of nowhere for no reason, and you will never be the same. Please Gwenn, don’t do it.”
“Maddie, I looked straight at her and pulled my hands away. I didn’t know what to say and knew that she was so sincere. She urged me not to say anything to Sonny about what she had said. I agreed, but truly thought she was just a scared girl whose life was about to change a little, so I thought very little about it. Well, I thought little about it until my wedding night. See, we went to a local hotel, because your dad was playing in a church league basketball tournament the next day, and he didn’t want to leave for our honeymoon until after the tournament. I thought that was fine, but that night- he changed, and I saw why your aunt was so very scared for me. He got mad at nothing really. I didn’t pack my bag the way he thought I should, and he pinched my arm. Then I didn’t hurry to get ready that night… I can’t really remember all that made him so angry that night, but I do know that I hurt so badly the next day.
When your dad and I got to the gym, your aunt was there with the rest of the family. She looked at me, and when my eyes met her eyes, I looked away. She knew, and I knew she knew. She later sat next to me and took my hand. We never spoke about it, but I swear it was almost as if she saw everything he did. It was like she had a window into my mind and heart, because every time I wanted to cry, she squeezed my hand or touched my arm and looked at me.
Maddie, I have watched Pearl do this with you. I’ve seen the way she reads what’s going on, and I have been ashamed so many times that someone else knows about our secret shame. But, I also know that there is something secret about her, something she has wanted so many times to share with us and help us, but at the same time I think she wants to help herself. She knows and feels too much to not have secrets too. I just need you to know, that we are not the only ones who have been hurt all of these years. I don’t know what is going to happen in there in a little while, but Maddie, I am sorry for not being who I should have been to you all these years. I hope someday you can forgive me.”
Maddie looked at her mother, and tears fell softly as she nodded her head and looked past her into the kitchen window. There standing with her back to them was Pearl. She looked to be slumped over and crying.
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